so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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