i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
