Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
