I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
