My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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