I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
