I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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