you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
