other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
