oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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