My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
