..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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