woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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