You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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