Barsexuality is the new black.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
