I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
