hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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