i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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