I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
