so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My feet surprised me
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