where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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