Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
