Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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