it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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