i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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