I wish my penis had an off switch
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
