I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
