Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
