I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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