That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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