All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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