OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
