my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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