Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
