When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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