Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
