From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
