I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
