proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
