pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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