Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
