If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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