My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
