If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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