my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
