So drunk its hurt
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
