I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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