it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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