Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
