I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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