I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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