When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
