I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
