Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
