Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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