Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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