Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this beer tastes like vomit already
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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