dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
