Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
